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Shop For A New Coffee Shop

Category : Ex-Spouse, Healing

A friend of mine for years was going with her ex-husband every Sunday morning to the same coffee shop. They’d sip on lattes, share sections of The New York Times and relax together. After they got divorced, my friend wasn’t sure if she should go back there or not. Not only did she feel weird about going to that coffee shop, but she wasn’t sure if her ex still was going there.

She asked me what I thought she should do. I immediately told her that she needed to Google coffee shops in her area because it’s time to find a new one. Then, she said she really liked the coffee there. “I don’t give a crap-puccino if you like their Frappuccino. Get out now!” I exclaimed.

Sunday’s are a day to chill and regroup before a hectic week ahead. It’s important to have a clear mind and go to places with positive vibes. In recovery, they say you need to change your “people, places and things.” I think the same goes after a divorce. If you’re having a hard time getting over a difficult breakup, it’s important to surround yourself by new things. Going to the same places you went to with your ex is a big no-no. It reminds you of time spent together there, so nothing good can come out of that. Shop for a new coffee shop and make some new weekend traditions. And who knows, maybe there will be a cute barista working there!

The Bonfire

Category : Divorce Ritual, Healing

I recently saw an episode of Brothers and Sisters. The mother, played by Sally Field, was trying to help the mistress of Sally Field’s deceased husband (I kid you not) get rid of all the relics of her past, so she could move on. The mistress was having a difficult time letting go of the past. She wanted to be able to let go so she could move to New York where her husband and daughter awaited her.

After Sally Field tried many ways to help her, they finally came up with a great idea to bring closure and start anew. They decided on building a huge bonfire on the beach and burn everything that wasn’t absolutely needed. As the flames engulfed everything, the past went along with it! This got me thinking, what a great way to close a chapter in your life and move on without all the baggage of your old life holding you down. And it’s not just physical items you burn, either. You can even write down things that bothered you about your ex on pieces of paper, crinkle them up and throw them into the fire. Another closure strategy!

How To Be Alone

Category : Healing

The extremely talented Tanya Davis has put together a video to her poem “How To Be Alone.” If you’re divorced and feeling lonely this is a wonderful video to watch. It’s not only cute and well done, but it really does make you feel better about being by yourself. Below are some of the words to her poem.

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were you were not okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find its fine to be alone once you’re embracing it. We can start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library, where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books, your not suppose to talk much anyway so its safe there. There is also the gym, if your shy, you can hang out with yourself and mirrors, you can put headphones in. There’s public transportation, we all gotta go places. And there’s prayer and mediation, no one will think less if your hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation. Start simple…

To check out the entire poem and video click here.

Fly Fly Away

Category : Divorce Ritual, Healing

There’s always been something about a balloon flying through the air on a bright sunny day that spells peace to me. The way it floats and goes higher and higher into the sky with no destination is so freeing. If you’re looking for some peace after a divorce, I’d like to suggest a divorce ritual that I call “Fly Fly Away.”

The first step in this divorce ritual is to write down each issue that you had with your ex on little separate pieces of paper. For instance, you could write things like, “He cheated. He didn’t say I love you enough. He left the cap off of the toothpaste. He wasn’t responsible. He never helped around the house,” etc. Next, roll up the little pieces of paper and stick each one in a separate balloon. Blow up each balloon, tie it tight and attach a string. Lastly, walk outside take a deep breathe and let each balloon go into the sky.

When you see the balloons fly away and out of sight, imagine all of the issues that upset you going with them! Trust me, this is magical. Each balloon flying into the air is a release of each of the problems you had with your ex that you’re now letting go. They’re heading off to somewhere else…for good!

Getting Through The Holidays

Category : Ex-Spouse, Healing, Holidays

Tis the season to get back into shape, right? The other afternoon I was working out with my trainer trying to get a head start on 2011. In between sets and while trying to catch my breath (OK, I was stalling), I asked him what his plans were for the holidays.

He told me that he was recently separated and finalizing a divorce. With Christmas just a few weeks away, he mentioned how lonely he was beginning to feel and how difficult going through the holidays would be without his wife.

I said, “For the past year, you have been telling me about how your soon-to-be ex and you only saw each other when you were passing in the hallway. Now, you are feeling like you are going to be missing out on some family time with her over the holidays. Whoa, your family hasn’t been a family for quite a long time.”

I told him to stop looking at the glass of eggnog as half empty and to start looking at the glass as half full. Hey, he motivates me in the gym, so it was time for me to motivate him about divorce! “Just think, this Christmas you can do exactly what you want,” I said. “You can get together with any friends you like. You can go see a movie…or 3 in one day! Or, you can just stay in bed and eat potato chips. You can start a whole new tradition! ” As I came up from another stomach crunch, I saw a smile come across his face.

If this is your first holiday divorced or separated, I suggest making it your best ever. Sure, it’s hard to make new traditions, but you can do it. Enjoy!

Calling Your Ex

Category : Ex-Spouse, Healing

I just made one of the oddest phone calls I have ever made…a call to my ex-husband.

Ring, ring, ring…I held the phone receiver to my ear. It felt like it was ringing forever. I guess when you’re calling your ex the rings go slower and sound louder. Hmmm, finally the phone was answered. “Hello?” my ex said. Of course, this was a normal response to somebody picking up the phone, but for some reason I froze. Maybe it was the sound of his voice, which I hadn’t heard in light years. Then, I snapped out of it and jumped right into it. “Hello,” I responded. “It’s Lois. I have something to tell you.”

“Yes,” he responded, possibly thinking that someone died.

“Remember when we got divorced?” I asked (like it’s something he would have forgotten). “Well, you don’t know this, but when I got the letter from the state saying that the divorce would be final in 6 months I ended up having a divorce party. Now, I’m writing a book about celebrating divorce. Also, I’m launching a divorce blog and before I go live, I thought I should tell you about it.”

(Insert long pause here.) Surprisingly, I wasn’t faced with a dial tone at the other end of the line. Actually, I heard laughter. Who knew? He was actually very cordial. Anyway, while my ex is a lot of things, he is creative. So we ended up having a long conversation about the book and we even threw around some clever ideas about what I should do with this blog. While it was hard to agree on anything when we were married, we had no problem agreeing about ideas for the divorce book.

Is this weird? Or, is this the new way of the world?