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Shop For A New Coffee Shop

Category : Ex-Spouse, Healing

A friend of mine for years was going with her ex-husband every Sunday morning to the same coffee shop. They’d sip on lattes, share sections of The New York Times and relax together. After they got divorced, my friend wasn’t sure if she should go back there or not. Not only did she feel weird about going to that coffee shop, but she wasn’t sure if her ex still was going there.

She asked me what I thought she should do. I immediately told her that she needed to Google coffee shops in her area because it’s time to find a new one. Then, she said she really liked the coffee there. “I don’t give a crap-puccino if you like their Frappuccino. Get out now!” I exclaimed.

Sunday’s are a day to chill and regroup before a hectic week ahead. It’s important to have a clear mind and go to places with positive vibes. In recovery, they say you need to change your “people, places and things.” I think the same goes after a divorce. If you’re having a hard time getting over a difficult breakup, it’s important to surround yourself by new things. Going to the same places you went to with your ex is a big no-no. It reminds you of time spent together there, so nothing good can come out of that. Shop for a new coffee shop and make some new weekend traditions. And who knows, maybe there will be a cute barista working there!

Getting Through The Holidays

Category : Ex-Spouse, Healing, Holidays

Tis the season to get back into shape, right? The other afternoon I was working out with my trainer trying to get a head start on 2011. In between sets and while trying to catch my breath (OK, I was stalling), I asked him what his plans were for the holidays.

He told me that he was recently separated and finalizing a divorce. With Christmas just a few weeks away, he mentioned how lonely he was beginning to feel and how difficult going through the holidays would be without his wife.

I said, “For the past year, you have been telling me about how your soon-to-be ex and you only saw each other when you were passing in the hallway. Now, you are feeling like you are going to be missing out on some family time with her over the holidays. Whoa, your family hasn’t been a family for quite a long time.”

I told him to stop looking at the glass of eggnog as half empty and to start looking at the glass as half full. Hey, he motivates me in the gym, so it was time for me to motivate him about divorce! “Just think, this Christmas you can do exactly what you want,” I said. “You can get together with any friends you like. You can go see a movie…or 3 in one day! Or, you can just stay in bed and eat potato chips. You can start a whole new tradition! ” As I came up from another stomach crunch, I saw a smile come across his face.

If this is your first holiday divorced or separated, I suggest making it your best ever. Sure, it’s hard to make new traditions, but you can do it. Enjoy!

Calling Your Ex

Category : Ex-Spouse, Healing

I just made one of the oddest phone calls I have ever made…a call to my ex-husband.

Ring, ring, ring…I held the phone receiver to my ear. It felt like it was ringing forever. I guess when you’re calling your ex the rings go slower and sound louder. Hmmm, finally the phone was answered. “Hello?” my ex said. Of course, this was a normal response to somebody picking up the phone, but for some reason I froze. Maybe it was the sound of his voice, which I hadn’t heard in light years. Then, I snapped out of it and jumped right into it. “Hello,” I responded. “It’s Lois. I have something to tell you.”

“Yes,” he responded, possibly thinking that someone died.

“Remember when we got divorced?” I asked (like it’s something he would have forgotten). “Well, you don’t know this, but when I got the letter from the state saying that the divorce would be final in 6 months I ended up having a divorce party. Now, I’m writing a book about celebrating divorce. Also, I’m launching a divorce blog and before I go live, I thought I should tell you about it.”

(Insert long pause here.) Surprisingly, I wasn’t faced with a dial tone at the other end of the line. Actually, I heard laughter. Who knew? He was actually very cordial. Anyway, while my ex is a lot of things, he is creative. So we ended up having a long conversation about the book and we even threw around some clever ideas about what I should do with this blog. While it was hard to agree on anything when we were married, we had no problem agreeing about ideas for the divorce book.

Is this weird? Or, is this the new way of the world?